The Dos and Don’ts of St. Paddy’s Day

A quick guide to enjoying the holiday.

‘Tis the season to be Irish. Or at least it will be, on March 17, as all those who are Irish and those who, as my grandfather once put it, “wish they were," dust off their shillelaghs and partake in the festivities.

For those planning a to make merry on St. Patrick’s Day, here are a few things you might want to incorporate into your holiday celebration..

1. You must wear something green. Green says “I’m Irish … at least at heart.” If you don’t own anything green, settle for the blue slacks and the yellow shirt that you purchased at . Reason that, if combined, they would yield the desired color.

2. Brush up on your “blarney.” The Irish are well-known for spinning a good yarn and hurling good-natured inaccuracies at anyone willing to buy into them. It helps if you pretend that you’re a politician on the campaign trail.

3. Purchase several bottles of alcohol from , despite the fact that you may be a teetotaler. Consider them props. Even in these politically correct times, there’s still the lingering stigma of overindulgence attached to those of Irish descent. The stereotype, of course, is inaccurate and unfair, but it does come with a legitimate excuse to run naked down Central St., at least on St. Patty’s Day.

4. Protest the selling of “English” muffins at .

5. Dress the kids to look like leprechauns and offer to sell shares in their “pot-of-gold.” This is the Irish version of a Ponzi Scheme.

6. Lobby the to paint green.

7. Invent a new musical style for people incapable of carrying a tune. We suggest calling it “Sham-rock.“

8. Explain to non-Irish residents that soda bread doesn’t really contain Coca-Cola.

9. Stand in the cereal aisle at and guard the Lucky Charms.

10. Hire a one-man band and parade triumphantly down the center of Washington St. When arrested by the , give your name as Paddy O’Furniture.

Some definite “don’ts” for the holiday are:

1. Don’t entertain Concord St. passers-by with a “rapped-up” version of “When Irish Eyes are Smiling.” It doesn’t work.

2. Don’t try to pass off bars of Irish Spring soap as seeds for growing four-leaf clovers.

3. Try not to believe that “green beer” is a naturally-occurring phenomena.

4. Don’t put an “O” in front of your name simply to pass as Irish. Dagmar O’Galushka doesn’t exactly scream Ireland.

5. Don’t claim that you own an emerald farm back in the old country and that you’d be willing to sell it to investors “if the price is right.”

And above all, don’t let St. Patrick’s Day slip by without taking part in the celebration. Standing on the sidelines while everyone else is having a grand old time will surely leave you “green with envy."


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